


The First Domino Causes the Most Destruction

by ArgentSleeper



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-19 15:51:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4752125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentSleeper/pseuds/ArgentSleeper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There weren't many times Arthur wished he wasn't the king, though they did happen.</p><p>But there was always one time a year that Arthur wished he had never been born.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First Domino Causes the Most Destruction

**Author's Note:**

> For my Bingo square: "Established Relationship"

 

Arthur awoke that morning to the light clatter of a tray being set on his table. A whispered flurry of curses followed, then only the barest of thumps as his breakfast was arranged for him to eat.

Arthur knew he was supposed to be grateful for the quiet, but he couldn’t be. It was just another reminder that today was not like other days, that Arthur was to be treated specially. He didn’t want that, didn’t deserve it, but at the same time he knew that there was no way he would make it through the day otherwise.

There weren’t many times that Arthur wished he wasn’t the king. They did happen, usually when he’d had to sit through an excruciatingly boring council session, or when he’d been forced to sentence someone to death, or when Merlin would just _look_ at him as if he could solve all the world’s ills. But most of the time Arthur loved being in a position of power to do good in the world, and he wouldn’t wish to be anyone else in the world.

There was however one time a year that Arthur wished he had never born. If it wasn’t for him, so much suffering could have been avoided. His existence was the starter’s signal for all his kingdom’s troubles. If it weren’t for him

His mother would still be alive

His father would still be alive

His sister wouldn’t have turned dark

The purge would never have happened

If Arthur could go back in time and change it all, he would. He wasn’t sure how, but he would try. Maybe he could appear to his mother and beg her to foster a nephew instead. He could beg his father to give up his need for a son and recognize Morgana as his daughter. He could… he could do _something_. Anything but sit here and pretend to smile while the people he had hurt so much spent the day celebrating the start of his curse upon the land.

The rustle of curtains drew him out of the darkness of his mind. Quickly Arthur squeezed his eyes shut, praying Merlin would believe he was sleeping and just go away and leave him alone. But why should he have such luck today of all days? Instead Merlin hummed quietly and slipped under the covers, wrapping his arms around Arthur and resting his chin on Arthur’s shoulder.

“Happy birthday, love,” he murmured, kissing Arthur’s cheek then nuzzling into his neck.

Arthur said nothing, just shuddered at the idea that anyone could be happy today. Merlin stiffened, then moved away. For a moment Arthur hoped that he had gotten the hint, but then he was being forcibly rolled over onto his side.

“What’s wrong, Arthur?”

Arthur was forced to open his eyes at the concern in Merlin’s voice. His servant and lover was staring at him with wide, worrying eyes. Arthur couldn’t just ignore him when he looked like that. “Nothing. I’m fine. You got breakfast?”

“Yeah, Cook made your favourite,” Merlin confirmed absently. He reached over and brushed the fringe out of Arthur’s eyes. “You’re not fine. As much you like to pretend you’re perfect, dollophead, you’re not as good at hiding your feelings as you think.”

“Really, Merlin–”

“ _Arthur._ ” Merlin threaded his fingers through Arthur’s. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

Arthur hung his head in defeat, then rolled back over to stare at the canopy of his bed. “It’s my birthday today,” he said hollowly.

“Yes it is, and I for one am proud of you surviving another year without getting yourself killed,” Merlin teased lightly.

“Maybe I wasn’t killed, but plenty of people were because of me.”

Merlin’s hand tightly painfully around his. “What are you talking about, ‘because of you?’ Trust me, if it were up to me I’d rip them all limb from limb for even thinking about harming you.”

Arthur sighed. “You can’t deny they have a reason to be aggrieved.”

“But that reason isn’t you! You’ve done so much to make up for your father’s mistakes. You made a treaty with the druids; you insist on trials for sorcerers; you even tried to make peace with Morgana.”

“But I wouldn’t have had to do any of that in the first place if my birth hadn’t triggered my father’s hatred of magic!”

There, it was out. Arthur closed his eyes again, not wanting to see the hatred in Merlin’s eye as he realized what Arthur said was true. The seconds dragged on in silence, and this time Arthur was sure Merlin was finally going to leave him, possibly for good.

“Arthur,” his voice came softly. “Look at me, love.”

Arthur wanted to refuse, but since when was he able to refuse Merlin anything? He cracked them open, but continued to stare at the canopy. Merlin was having none of it, though, gently climbing up to straddle him. He took Arthur’s face in his face and forced him to look him in the eyes.

“Your birth was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. If you hadn’t been born, I don’t know what I would have done with myself. You’re my destiny.”

Arthur had to stop himself from the instinctive urge to roll his eyes and tease Merlin about acting like a girl. He wasn’t sure about the whole destiny thing, but he couldn’t deny he felt the same way about Merlin. He wasn’t sure he could ever _admit_ it either, but it was true nonetheless.

Merlin smiled crookedly, as if he could read Arthur’s thoughts. “And if that doesn’t convince you, just remember that if it wasn’t for you, I never would have been born either. The only reason my parents met is because my father was fleeing the purge.” Merlin leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Arthur’s lips. “I’m going to take this day as a chance to celebrate another year I get to have you in my life. And when I finally meet your mother, I’m going to thank her for the sacrifice she made to give you to me.”

Arthur pulled Merlin back down to kiss him again, long and longing. Merlin obliged, finally breaking away to bury his face in Arthur’s neck again. “Happy birthday, Arthur. I love you.”

That, at least, Arthur could believe.

 


End file.
